Ultimate Mascot Madness Intro & Play-In Rounds
Every year, I fill out the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket using one simple criterion: Which mascot would win in a fight? When March Madness was cancelled this year, I had resigned myself to not exploring these critical questions. But as I have read stories of perseverance in the face of the Covid-19 pandemic, I decided that I too should not let circumstances get in the way of this of this treasured tradition. In fact, it is time to take it to the next level. So I decided to look at all of Division I and determine which mascot would be the ultimate champion.
Below are the ground rules for how I set up the bracket:
I compiled a list of the 142 unique Division I mascots. Sorry, Bulldogs, Eagles, and Tigers. You need to find more original nicknames. This list does not include mascots based on Native American imagery nor does it include the Sam Houston State Bearkats. Yeah, you’re the only Bearkats, but taking the common mascot Bearcats and misspelling it with a “k” does not get you into this prestigious tournament.
I approximately divided those 142 schools into four geographic regions: South, East, Midwest, and West.
I used the final posted RPI rankings to seed those teams within their respective regions. The Oregon Ducks have the highest RPI ranking in the West Region and thus are the #1 seed for that group.
Because you have to do some finagling to make a 142-team bracket work, each Region has a play-in tournament consisting of the remaining teams that were seeded #32 or lower in each geographic region. To make the tournaments as even as possible, the teams do not adhere to any geographic boundaries. That’s why Cornell is in the West Play-in. Sorry, Andy Bernard, your team should have played better basketball this season.
Again, the simple question is which mascot would win in a fight. This is considered a one-on-one fight unless plurality is implied by something other than slapping the letter “s” on the end. Thus the Marshall Thundering Herd get to bring more than one buffalo to the fight.
“Extensive” internet research is used to determine the intended nature of each mascot and their prowess in battle.
Alright, let’s start with each region’s play-in tournaments!
South Play-In
First Round
#34 VMI Keydets over #35 Presbyterian Blue Hose - A keydet is a cadet of the Virginia Military Institute. A blue hose is a sock.
#37 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over #36 Marist Red Foxes - One of the long-running debates of Mascot Madness is what to do with mascots of a supernatural nature. We’re going to push on the idea of a Bayou Beelzebub for a few rounds and assume it could defeat a fox.
Semifinals
#37 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over #32 Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders - What is a Blue Raider? Even Middle Tennessee doesn’t seem to know. At one time, they were repped by a blue tick hound and now it’s a pegasus(?) named “Lightning.” Clarity is important to those in charge of Mascot Madness.
#34 VMI Keydets over #33 UT Martin Skyhawks - Humans typically have an advantage over animals in Mascot Madness. There are some ursine exceptions.
Final
#37 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over #34 VMI Keydets - Google “Delta Devils” and the image search will give you a goofy looking demon. But it is a goofy looking demon that apparently can shoot fire out of its hands.
East Play-In
Semifinals
#32 Fairfield Stags over #25 UMass Lowell River Hawks - A hawk would probably go for the eyes to win, but the antlers of a deer would make that a tough go.
#34 Canisius Golden Griffins over #33 Loyola (MD) Greyhounds - I love dogs, but a dog is not going to beat a creature with the body of a lion and the head of an eagle.
Final
#34 Canisius Golden Griffins over #32 Fairfield Stags - I’m wondering if the Golden Griffins could be a dark horse pick to make a Cinderella run.
Midwest Play-In
Semifinals
#35 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions over #32 Evansville Purple Aces - Remember how I said there were exceptions for the humans over animals rule. Evansville is represented by Ace Purple (like many mascots this relates to something someone said about the team in the early 1900s), a riverboat gambler. Good luck fighting a lion, Ace.
#33 Purdue Fort Wayne Mastodons over #34 Western Illinois Leathernecks - I was sincerely delighted when I found out there was a Division I team whose mascot was the Mastodons.
Final
#33 Purdue Fort Wayne Mastodons over #35 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions - I googled “Who would win in a fight between an elephant and a lion” and people were quite confident that an elephant would win easily.
West Play-In
Semifinals
#32 Idaho Vandals over #35 Cornell Big Red - Colors do not win battles.
#33 New Orleans Privateers over #34 Maine Black Bears - Privateers are pirates and this one found in the Big Easy has a sword. Meanwhile black bears are smaller than grizzlies (adult males are only about four and a half feet in length).
#33 New Orleans Privateers over #32 Idaho Vandals - In 1917, a Idaho student sportswriter named Harry Lloyd “Jazz” McCarty wrote, “The opening game with Whitman will mark a new epoch in Idaho basketball history, for the present gang of ‘Vandals’ have the best material that has ever carried the ‘I’ into action.” That’s the content for which you have come to Mascot Madness: the sportswriter scatting of “Jazz” McCarty. Doesn’t do a vandal any good against a pirate, though.
Check back later for a breakdown of the First Round!
