The Beautiful Letdown

Last night, EA and I saw Switchfoot perform the entirety of The Beautiful Letdown in celebration of the album’s 20th anniversary. It was one of the best concert experiences of my life. Those songs came out right in the middle of our sophomore year of college and it was one of those albums that is inextricably tied up with a specific time. It was special to be in the room singing along with a sold-out Ryman Auditorium to every lyric of an album that meant so much to us when our relationship was beginning.

There was a simultaneous healing and ache as we soaked in those songs twenty years on. Lyrics like “This is your life / Are you who you want to be?” hit different for a 40 year old who has seen some crap versus a wide-eyed idealistic 20 year old. There is a certain cynicism that can sand down the hope of a song like that if you’re not careful. I remember sitting on a dormitory balcony with EA and earnestly talking about who we are and who we want to be. The songs were an invitation into what he hoped would be a better world. When Jon Foreman sings “I want to see miracles / to see the world change,” we were right there wholeheartedly.

Singing those songs last night made me miss the kid I used to be a lot.

I realize this is textbook mid-life crisis type of stuff. And I don’t want to go back in time (I kind of want to go back in time for a bit). I’m really fortunate to have a wife and two sons that I love dearly. I am very fortunate. But there was this hopeful fire from when I was younger that I wish still burned.

There is something inside of me that yearns for something more. That yearning is connected deeply with my faith. I want to see and be a part of a church that moves like a fresh wind. A place that is passionate, wildly creatively, humanly messy, hungry for justice, and overflowing with grace. A place that is not afraid to call itself a church of dropouts, losers, sinners, failures, and fools. I cannot extract myself from the conviction that a community of faith can actually make this world a better place; even if it is in the smallest way.

This is not to knock where our family currently attends church. It’s a lovely place and maybe we’re in that place. I don’t know. I just know that there are dreams of what a church could look like that still live inside of me. I don’t know necessarily how to get that song out of my head and into the world. It’s probably more of a matter of finding people singing the same song because I would definitely screw it up myself. But I want to find a way to connect who I am and the experiences I have had with the fierce hope of the kid I was. I want to see miracles, to see the world change.

So thanks for the show, Switchfoot. And thanks for all the inspiration over the years.