I don’t know what to say.
I read a book in college called Let Your Life Speak. I don’t recall much about the book but my thoughts have been returning to that title quite a bit recently. I want my life to speak. Yet I’m not entirely sure of what I want it to say. Or even how I want to say it.
Sure there are the things about Jesus and God and love and serving others. But I feel like a lot of the vocabulary about those things which have been provided for me aren’t mine. Honestly, there are large portions of it rings hollow to me. I feel like much of that message only gets us through the front door and then we spend the rest of our Christian lives by the coat closet.
But I’m trying to find words, actions. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of my adult life speaking like my toddler: mimicking and repeating the words that are said to me. It’s cute when you’re twenty months old, it’s a problem when you’re eight years over twenty.
Yet I feel like I’m stuck on repeat and I know I’m not alone. I look at a lot of what is prevalent in present-day American evangelicalism and I feel like there has to be something more. This parroting life is not speaking. Why do I do this?
I know what part of the answer is: it’s safe. When you only say the words that are said to you then you know you aren’t stepping out of bounds. People are happy to have you repeat their words. When you say something else, it steps on toes. It rocks the boat.
As the oldest child in my house, I have always been the peacemaker. I want everyone to get along and I want to be liked. Yet to truly find a voice, a voice that I believe honors God, I can’t stay in that safe place. The boat has to be rocked; just not for the sake of rocking the boat.
So I’m looking for a voice. I’m searching for the words to stay. I’m trying to figure out how to let my life speak. God help me because there are so many times that I don’t know what to say.